


You Die Because You've Lived

by Setsuna24



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-14
Updated: 2015-05-02
Packaged: 2018-03-22 19:26:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3740764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Setsuna24/pseuds/Setsuna24
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James has just found out he is dying and realizes that he has never felt this free before. Despite his mother's protest he refuses treatment and instead embarks in a journey to make the most of his new-found freedom and whatever time he has left. Now that he knows his life is ending he has made the choice to truly live.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Goodbye My Life

**Author's Note:**

> Betaed by fifteenfeb

Chapter 1

**You Die Because You've Lived**

He was going to die and he knew it. As for when, he still had no clue and he really did not want to know. Cancer is such a heartless disease, it takes you slowly or it takes you fast, you really have no chance of making it do what you want. If you want it to end soon, it will drag on forever as you waste away. If you want it to give you time to do the things you always wanted to but never dared, you find that your time is shorter than you hoped.

In both ways, your days are numbered and the chances of the medicine killing the cancer before it kills you, it's simply a gamble. That is why he decided to forgo the pumping of the poisoning medicine and treatments, the agony of radiation and therapy and the pain of watching those he cares about watch him die a little each passing day. It was best to just enjoy the days he has left.

He did not want to know how many days, months or years it would take for his end to come. He really did not care. James did not want to be a burden though, to be pitied by others and looked at with sympathy. All he wanted was to enjoy the time he had left to the fullest, do the crazy stuffs he never dared to, have fun, blow through all his cash and life savings and feel like there are no restrictions in the world anymore. He wanted to have an adventure, have an affair, experience and one night stand and maybe fall in love. Just once, he wanted to live it all before his clock stopped ticking.

When you know you are going to die at any minute, suddenly all chains drop and you feel freer than you have ever felt before. He just wanted to enjoy that. Taking a sabbatical, he told his family, traveling the country and then the world, maybe even find someone special. There is no more reason to continue working for a company that demanded everything of you and gave you no time to build a life or a family. No reason for blindly and loyally following an overbearing and demanding boss when your days were numbered. He quit his job the very same day he got the dreadful news and gave none of his coworkers or his boss any reason why. To him, there was no need for them to carry any sort of guilt or pity about his situation. He did not want to trouble their minds and by not giving a reason, he found that he was allowing them to continue their lives unaffected by his condition.

There was no need to go back to the company and become a mindless drone following orders anymore. He had many skills and was smart; taking a job here and there to get extra cash whenever he needs it was a more appealing option. After all, he only needed enough to get by, enough to survive until a new adventure presented itself. When the money from his savings runs out, and it would eventually, wherever he was, he would work to have enough to move on. At the end of his time, when his body weakened, he would come back home and quietly pass away in the company of his family, knowing that in the end he lived to the fullest and didn't waste all his time.

Quietly, James packed his suitcase while his mother watched from the bedroom door with tears in her eyes. She had insisted he leave his downtown apartment and move back with them when they found out about his illness. He had complied, mainly because he did not wish to make his mother suffer. But the dreadful silence filling every room of the house and thick enough to cling to the walls was starting to drive him mad. James wanted to go far away, to a place where no one knew he was at death's gruesome door and gave him pitying looks every time he entered a room.

By the way the elderly woman was looking at him as he zipped up the suitcase, one would have thought he was dead already. It was one of the things that were making his impending doom harder to deal with. He had accepted it and there was nothing else he could do about it. He could no longer stay in the house with his parents and she could not understand why. In silence, he left the room. His bag in hand and walked out to the waiting pickup truck placing the last of his things inside. He turned around to his still tearing mother and his silent father and bid them farewell. As they stood before his once home she tried again to plead him to stay and he refused.

"Are you sure you have to go?" His mother asked, hoping he would change his mind at the last minute. "You can stay with us and we can figure something out. Get you the proper treatment and buy you some more time."

Time, when it came down to it, this was what it was all about. His time was running out and he did not want to spend it throwing up from the strong medicines and making everyone around him miserable.

"No, mom. I don't think I can stay; there are things I want to see before… I want to see the world, mom. To do things I never dreamed I would be able to do and I just can't do those things here."

"But, maybe if you stayed…" She began and he looked at his father for help.

"Martha, let the boy go. There is nothing we can really do for him so let him live his last days as he wishes. When he starts feeling like he can't keep going, he will come back and you can take care of him until the good Lord calls him. Won't you, James?"

"Yes sir, I will. Goodbye mom, I love you. I'll call you at six and again when I get to Colorado okay." He kissed his mother's forehead and gave her a quick hug finding no want to drag things out. James shook his father's hand and the older man pulled him into a hug as he contained the emotions in his eyes, feeling that he needed to be strong for his wife. "Bye dad, I'll talk to you soon."

With that he walked back to his pickup and took one last look at his childhood home and his parents. Martha began sobbing as she hid her tearstained face in his father's chest. James knew it was difficult for her to let him go, he was the youngest of her four children and the only one who had stayed close once they were old enough to stand on their own two feet and build a life for themselves. He would always be her baby, her favorite, and it broke her heart that her youngest child would likely die before she did. Parents should never have to see their children go before them; it was one of the many unfair things in life.

His father understood, he did not like it, but he understood his need to do something and go out into the world before all his chances were taken away. Before weakness consumed his will and all he could do was lay on a bed waiting for death to arrive. They had spoken about it; hush whispers in the middle of the night when his weary mother had finally fallen asleep. His father had given him a map and a list of places to get started on his journey. The only stipulation he placed to James was that he called every day at six and as soon as he got to a new place.

His father wanted him to take pictures of all the beautiful places and things he saw, a small memento that his son's life, though short had been lived to the fullest. At twenty-eight, James Sanders felt like a teenager as he turned on the ignition and drove away, the world wide open for him to explore.

For the first time in years, he felt free.

He only wished it wasn't because he was dying.


	2. Reckless Behaviour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When alcohol is involved some unfortunate things happen and stupid things are said that get James punched on the face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Betaed by Fifteenfeb

**You Die Because You’ve Lived**

**Chapter Two**

Somehow he had ended up in Nebraska of all places, there was nothing in Nebraska. He went to a trucker’s bar for the first time in his life, got into a fight in which someone socked him in the left eye, and somehow ended up with a blond in his bed. How did that happen? He had no idea, after the large hairy fist got acquainted with his face, it was all a blur from there. James chuckled at the sight of his blackened eye as he stood in front of the shifty motel’s bathroom mirror; he poked and prodded the tender flesh. It seemed he could cross out getting into a bar fight and taking some random girl to bed out of his bucket list of things to do before he kicks the can.

Now to the next issue, finding out who this girl was and whether or not he had to pay her before he moved on from ‘Nowhere Nebraska’. It seemed strange that he suddenly felt panic about something that had just crossed his mind. Did he use protection? What were his chances of getting VD from the random girl he had apparently picked up sometime after the bar fight and had apparently slept with. It was ironic to say the least that even though he was going to die, likely very soon, he still worried about catching some likely itchy, uncomfortable and unwanted gift from the nameless girl. Looking about the bathroom, he hoped to find some clues that he had, even in his alcoholic haze, done the smart thing and at least used a condom.

There was nothing. Frantically, he checked the wastebasket and still found no shiny wrapper or the latex discarded item. Apparently, not only had he done something reckless last night, he had also been very stupid. James was not looking forward to his likely itchy immediate future. It was time to get out of the bathroom and see about the girl, he really hoped she was not a hooker; it was not his preferred way of blowing through his money.

He walked into the small room and took in the questionable stains on the walls, he did not want to touch them or even find out what exactly they were, the very thought made him shudder.

The girl stirred on the bed as the rays of the morning sun fell upon her eyes and insisted for her to wake up. For a brief moment, he wished he could remember what it had been like to be with her last night, but then he remembered that sometimes it was best not to know certain things.

All at once, panic set in out of nowhere. He wanted nothing more than to get the hell out of there. What if she was one of those ladies of the night that looked like a troll on their better days? He certainly didn't want to see that. God, what if she wanted him to do it again? What if he actually had to pay her and she demanded a ridiculous amount of money and a feral-looking pimp showed up and beat the shit out of him?

Screw waiting for her to get up, he was getting out of the room faster than the speed of light. James rushed to the corner of the room where his clothes had been draped over a chair and proceeded to grab his pants, all the while picturing the increasingly horrible scenarios this encounter could bring about. He was hopping about on one leg while he pulled his pants over the other, hoping not to wake her. In the middle of his frantic actions, she turned around from her position facing the wall and was watching him still trying to keep balance while standing on one leg with his other one inside the pants leg. He had no idea what to do. So, like every sensible adult in such situation, he went with the best course of action, stuttering like a moron and looking like a general idiot.

"Hi, er, hi. I was just gonna... I was going to, hi. I'm sorry. I just. I don’t know."  _'Geez, way to look eloquent there, totally smooth.'_  He chastised himself.  _'At least she is not a troll. Now, to cross my fingers and hope I don't end up with crabs.'_

She sat up slowly as she rubbed her eyes and pushed her unruly hair out of her face. She was pretty; almond colored eyes shaped in a lovely way, cute little freckles dusting her nose and cheeks, somewhat pouty lips and a heart-shaped face. She looked at him and the sheets she was clutching to her chest fell to her hips as she sat there, that was when he noticed the tank top and the blue-jean shorts, he was all at once hopeful and confused. 

She laughed at his expression and he felt like a bigger idiot than before.

“Good morning there, Muhammad Ali, how is the face?” she said with a chuckle at him. Then she pointed to his face and asked. “Tender, ain't it?” He was pretty sure he was blushing in embarrassment but did not want to confirm his suspicions.

 “Very funny, like I had any chance against that monstrosity.” She laughed. “About last night… did we… erhm…?” He looked at her waiting for her response, she could have gotten up and dressed in the middle of the night and then crawled back to bed, so the fact that she was wearing clothes did not mean they did not do the horizontal tumble at some point after leaving the bar.

The young woman snorted while looking at him with amusement before answering.

“God no, I don’t make a habit of sleeping with a man I see flapping on the floor like a fish out of water.”

Suddenly, hopeful became utterly relieved, though sadly he still remained confused. Despite his relief, embarrassment was also present and at the forefront of his mind.

“I’m sorry, I woke up and I was in my underwear and then you were on the bed next to me and I thought…”

“It’s okay, I brought you here then took your clothes off because they were wet with beer and since I had pulled I really long shift at the bar and had no intention of sleeping on the floor, I shoved you to the side of the bed and crawled in.”

“How come you stayed? You could have gone home.” He was really curious about her reasons and it turned out to be a very simple answer.

“I wanted to see your face when you saw that shiner you got.” Her smirk of amusement could have split her face in two. “That was really stupid saying those things to Rex of all people, though it was the most entertainment I’ve had all week.”

“To be honest, I don’t even remember what I said. I was pretty deep on my cups by then.”

“Yeah, playing beer pong with the college students will do that to you, what moved you to do something so ridiculous?”

He laughed at the strangeness of it all and how he acted like a college student, young and stupid, something he had not allowed himself to do when he had actually been in college.

“I guess I was experiencing things I missed out on.” He said as he chuckled lightly. “So are you going to tell me what happened after I told Rex whatever it was I said?”

“Of course, it’s the reason I’m here.”

“Am I going to be really embarrassed about this?”

“You have no idea. After you told an already pissed off six foot Rex that he was a very lovely lady and you would love nothing more than to buy him a drink, it all went downhill very quickly. It did not help that the college boys were egging you on to touch his hair either, or that you ended up pulling his beard and falling on top of him.”

“Oh God! What did I do?”

"I must admit I almost had a heart attack when you suddenly threw yourself at Rex's surprised open mouth and kissed him. The man could hardly believe what was going on, he was so shocked! And then, as if the kiss was not enough, you went for the kill and groped his ass! Next thing I knew, his hairy fist was flying through the air and BAM you were flapping about on the floor holding your face and he was throwing himself at you in a murderous rage. It took ten of the regulars to hold him down and drag him away from you."

"That certainly explains the bruises all over and the general soreness then." He answered still not believing his actions.

She spent the next half an hour giving a very detailed account of the events of the previous night and the more she talked, the more horrified he felt with the actions that had landed him with a purple eye. By the end of the account, they were having brunch at a nearby diner and laughing their heads off. Sarah, he learned her name was, was a very fun person with a sadistic streak to her. He did not mind her teasing jabs and after some more conversation, they parted ways glad to have met each other. She was a woman used to meeting men she would likely never see again so he did not feel too bad about not getting her number and promising to contact each other again. He knew she would soon forget the random guy who asked the bear-looking Rex to have a drink and would move on with her life.

So he did not have a one night stand, it did not matter; he got to experience things he had never lived before and spent a very entertaining morning with a very fun woman. In the end, it had been worth it. Even if his face was by now turning three different colors.

With another chuckle, as he recalled the animated narrative of his drunken night, James got back on his pickup and drove away.


End file.
